Life Under The Knife

There are times I left hospital with more hair on my legs than my head, who ever was in charge of the razor in the hospital ( its definitely a man). Unfortunately I had inadvertently  admitted that I had legs like a yeti, it keeps me warm anyway. I had been guilty of going on a rampage with the razor in my early 20s. I decided to do a evening course in dog grooming. I had two models, Daisy had feck all hair but I do have a shaggy dog (Juno the jack Russell). As my confidence grew, I put together some tools. I got my hands on a razor and took Juno out my back garden and got to it. I tried real hard to cut his hair accurately and neaten up the edges. I basically had a naked dog in front of me. I stood the wrath of my mother for that one, ever since that Juno has to be sedated to be groomed, she will attack a scissors or a razor if it comes near her, the following is probably my penance for shaving our dog. Karma is a b...

In Ireland it's perfectly possible to find yourself in prison without actually having committed a crime Failing to pay your tv licence is not the only way! ...I have also noticed over the years its' perfectly possible to commit a crime and walk away a happy man. I have already mentioned the marathon 3 month stay last year and the unseasonable but not out of character for Ireland snow. During this particular pleasant stay, the patient call bells kept wailing and because of the snow there weren't any food delivery trucks. Patients were having a lack of visitors. I can only speculate there were people wandering around on their third day in a pair of underwear! Patients were happy in their knowledge that staff and doctors were forced to endure the very same beds they were not getting any sleep in. I had gone several days without a coffee and I might have throttled someone if I saw one more egg sandwich on my plate. One of the very few benefits of being deaf is that I was ...

Sorry for the delay with the latest piece of laughter. Between my brain and Denise's fingertips this story took a ride around the solar system. ( translation: we were all unwell in this house and Dad had a savage case of man flu!) Any person who is a frequent flyer with their country's health service will tell you that they met a few nurses that stand out. During my extended stay last year there was a nurse who always seemed to be there when I needed her or when something crazy happened.  After my surgery I kept waking up having panic attacks. I was seeing strange flashes of colour in my head. I always wanted to see the northern lights but not quite like that! Every time I woke up like that, there was somebody there rubbing my back, stroking my hair and holding my hand. I never who it was but I really appreciated it. I do still like to do things for myself but it doesn't always end well! One evening I wanted to brush my teeth a nurse walked in to find toothpaste all ove...

In order to be true to art ( and comedy is an art without the mess and the clean up job. Unless somebody wets themselves, then we are in trouble). I have to share a certain amount of embarrassing and private information - goo job I find things like that hilarious. Here we go: An alternative title to this story could have been 34 years I've been living next door to Chucky, Chucky, Chucky who the fuck is Chucky?  Much to my disgust, Chucky and I have been neighbours for years, the kind of neighbour you want to get rid of because of anti-social behaviour! I never went there for a bowl of sugar anyway.! There was never any danger of me having kids - ladies and gentlemen the universe decided I needed a pain in the hole and gave me a tumour on my lady parts. I have 2 experiences with a gynaecologist and they are both hilarious. When I reached the age of 25, I was all sensible and started doing the smear thing. The tests kept coming back weird probably because of the NF2. So I had to ...

I've always been a lover of the supernatural the X - Files was my first love ( and true love lasts forever). Strange fact: I have several extremely thick volumes of medical charts at the main hospital where I frequently fly economy class and my chart starts with an X and with all of the weird and wonderful things you will find in my chart - I'm a real life X -File! I love zombie stuff but I have no desire to be one. However if you wake me up at 4am, all bets are off! I did partake in the Dublin zombie walk several years back I wore a t-shirt that said this is my zombie killing t-shirt. On the back I stuck a note to it that said the t-shirt didn't work. Unfortunately  I think  that might have been a self fulfilling prophecy, especially when I'm on the hunt for a bag of jellies. "Sweets" "Sweets" "Sweets". I have had a lot of problems with my eyes and late last year, they started giving me  eye drops made from blood serum.  I get donor bl...

You are the Bored you will be asphyxiated, our ever selective humour will tickle your funny bone. Resistance is useless. Disclaimer: I was a massive star trek fan I could pass as borg these days with all the metal in my body. When I lost my hearing, my biggest wish apart from getting back my ears, was to have a hand held device like a star trek tricorder that translated what people said into text. This was in 1998. Voice recognition was brutal with bells on! You had to train each individual voice for many hours and the accuracy was still like cutting and pasting random words from a book. It was feck all use. When my teachers tried to use it, it resembled a shopping list albeit a very bad one. Fast forward to 2018 - the year I was reintroduced to voice recognition - and we have these wonderful little gadgets . Due to damaged vocal cords, I have a very bad voice I imagine its a cross between Darth Vader and snotzer from the den! So I struggle greatly with it but I do have so...

If you have ever spent an extended time in hospital, you will know that it is like prison. They make the beds as uncomfortable as possible to make sure you don't stay. There is no privacy and no entertainment and the food is not up to nutritional standards and you definitely have to watch out for the warden! The year I sampled the menu in 4 different Dublin hospitals left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm still traumatised by some of the things I saw on my plate. Chicken curry with cabbage on the side! I was woken many times by the sensation of having something poked in my ear thank god it was a thermometer! I spent two months in one hospital, made a brief detour to another for a brief stay. a further 3 months in another and the day before I was due to be discharged, I ended up in another hospital. This my friends is prison and the food is gruel and punishment. Some of my uncles and cousins orchestrated a prison break for Christmas day for a few hours mission impossible music wa...