Life Under The Knife

The highway of communication is fraught with misinterpretation, innuendos and blushes.  The learner driver of a new language can find themselves in uncomfortable but hilarious situations! Learning the alphabet has never been so dangerous ( this has been proven to me time and again) as it is when it is sign language alphabet. Your hands can find themselves in very sticky situations!!!!! You have to be very specific when you are talking about parts of the human anatomy. A friend was helping me through the process of signing into hospital through the doctor. He asked the usual admission questions Are you a smoker? I admitted to smoking a joint when I was 18. One particular question . had me stumped. A friend kept asking me the same question I repeated louder and louder "bowls" Every patient on the ward was looking for the sick bowls. Eventually my friend asked the doctor how to spell the word. She forgot that my poo had an e in it. Not long after this incident, a younger c...

Those who may look weak, meek can surprise you. I really enjoyed my trip to New Zealand when I was 25 and wanted to do another big travel before I was 30. So when cousin Donna offered me the chance to join her and her fella (Now her put upon hubby)on their trip across Central America, I bit her hand off. The problem was it was several months after my first spinal surgery. I don't think a walking frame is a good look for a backpacker! Thankfully the trip was about 9 months away. So I managed to shake off my wheels and get back to using my outrageously sparkling walking stick. I took my less flamboyant stick with me for travelling for the look of the thing. I did all of the usual travelling preparation things such a reading books etc. I was well aware of the potential for crime and what to do if something happened and what to do to prevent yourself looking like a potential target ( e.g. a cheap non descript walking stick!) There is a very beautiful island in Belise where you could ...

Alternative title to this story is I touch my staff but if I use that I would probably loose my everyone that helps me, They are all like family. Its a bloody good pun though, When you are blind or very short sighted, you have to be careful with your hands. Every parent knows what its like when they go to the bathroom, they have an audience my kids just happen to have paws. Before I lost the majority of my sight, there where many times I was sat on the toilet where I leant down to give somebody a scratch, Five minutes later I realised that I was scratching the toilet bowl. When I lost the majority of my sight, there were many occasions that I would have tried to grab something such as my cup and actually grabbed somebody's boob or ass, my poor aunt Bernie is still traumatised . During the time I had my eye surgically closed, I couldn't see a thing. Every time I was trying to get out of my bed, I kicked my dad straight in his balls. He would end up on...

There are times I left hospital with more hair on my legs than my head, who ever was in charge of the razor in the hospital ( its definitely a man). Unfortunately I had inadvertently  admitted that I had legs like a yeti, it keeps me warm anyway. I had been guilty of going on a rampage with the razor in my early 20s. I decided to do a evening course in dog grooming. I had two models, Daisy had feck all hair but I do have a shaggy dog (Juno the jack Russell). As my confidence grew, I put together some tools. I got my hands on a razor and took Juno out my back garden and got to it. I tried real hard to cut his hair accurately and neaten up the edges. I basically had a naked dog in front of me. I stood the wrath of my mother for that one, ever since that Juno has to be sedated to be groomed, she will attack a scissors or a razor if it comes near her, the following is probably my penance for shaving our dog. Karma is a b...

In Ireland it's perfectly possible to find yourself in prison without actually having committed a crime Failing to pay your tv licence is not the only way! ...I have also noticed over the years its' perfectly possible to commit a crime and walk away a happy man. I have already mentioned the marathon 3 month stay last year and the unseasonable but not out of character for Ireland snow. During this particular pleasant stay, the patient call bells kept wailing and because of the snow there weren't any food delivery trucks. Patients were having a lack of visitors. I can only speculate there were people wandering around on their third day in a pair of underwear! Patients were happy in their knowledge that staff and doctors were forced to endure the very same beds they were not getting any sleep in. I had gone several days without a coffee and I might have throttled someone if I saw one more egg sandwich on my plate. One of the very few benefits of being deaf is that I was ...

Sorry for the delay with the latest piece of laughter. Between my brain and Denise's fingertips this story took a ride around the solar system. ( translation: we were all unwell in this house and Dad had a savage case of man flu!) Any person who is a frequent flyer with their country's health service will tell you that they met a few nurses that stand out. During my extended stay last year there was a nurse who always seemed to be there when I needed her or when something crazy happened.  After my surgery I kept waking up having panic attacks. I was seeing strange flashes of colour in my head. I always wanted to see the northern lights but not quite like that! Every time I woke up like that, there was somebody there rubbing my back, stroking my hair and holding my hand. I never who it was but I really appreciated it. I do still like to do things for myself but it doesn't always end well! One evening I wanted to brush my teeth a nurse walked in to find toothpaste all ove...

In order to be true to art ( and comedy is an art without the mess and the clean up job. Unless somebody wets themselves, then we are in trouble). I have to share a certain amount of embarrassing and private information - goo job I find things like that hilarious. Here we go: An alternative title to this story could have been 34 years I've been living next door to Chucky, Chucky, Chucky who the fuck is Chucky?  Much to my disgust, Chucky and I have been neighbours for years, the kind of neighbour you want to get rid of because of anti-social behaviour! I never went there for a bowl of sugar anyway.! There was never any danger of me having kids - ladies and gentlemen the universe decided I needed a pain in the hole and gave me a tumour on my lady parts. I have 2 experiences with a gynaecologist and they are both hilarious. When I reached the age of 25, I was all sensible and started doing the smear thing. The tests kept coming back weird probably because of the NF2. So I had to ...