Life Under The Knife

The first time I had to do a Britney and shave my hair off I was 26. Hospitals are on my shit list  not it comes to head shaving for surgery. They took so much hair that a Donald style comb over was not an option. So I had to shave the lot off. With all of the scars I had I looked like ld beat somebody up. So I kept this monstrous sight covered with a scarf. I'm not sure if I did a Britney or a sinead O'Connor fyi I don't have the voice for either. I do have tattoos though. I was going to a friends bbq I had this new pair of high heeled boots. The problem is I could never wear heels! I walk like a baby deer on an out of control aeroplane. So I go to the bbq and drink a bit too much wine, come home and struggle to take off my SEXY boots. You know when you're trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans that are 2 sizes to small? It was like that in reverse! I also had on a brand new pair of glasses. One particularly energetic tug landed me on the floor breaking my new glasses...

This is an episode of Mrs Brown's boys. Or it should be! There I was minding my own business brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush. The base of the toothbrush got bored and decided to go for a walk. It took the scenic route to a crack in the middle of nowhere. As it fell down beside me, I tried to grab it but it went under me. Th more I tried to grab it, the more lost it seemed to get. I was rolling around the bed like I was having a demonically possessed epileptic fit, performing gymnastic moves that defy gravity. The more I tried to help myself, the more I did the exact opposite. I was in the throes of disbelief thinking to myself How does this shit happen to me. I can't believe it and I am me! In desperation I pressed the bell for the nurses assistance from experience I know you can wait ages to have the bell answered. So mean while, I continued with my efforts to find the toothbrush. I was bent like a pretzel in the bed. I haven't moved like that in years or ...

This is a bit of a shakespearean story. I had a raven called quotes after my eyeballs. When I was about 4 they were trying to see why I couldn't see very well. So I had a exploratory surgery to pop the eyeballs out to have a look. I always tried to make the best of my hospital stays even at that age. When things are shit, keep it funny. I used to joyride on the laundry cart as the nurses went around changing the beds and try and score some jelly when the food was being put away if there were any unopened pots. That was also the year I was introduced to horror and stuff I shouldn't be watching on television. The nurses set me up on a comfy chair in front of the telly one night not realising that I had switched the channel over to Day of the Tryffids! I gave plants and flowers dirty looks and sideways glances for ages after this!! It did start a trend where I would sneak out of bed and watch things that I shouldn't be watching! Prisoner Cell Block H to name but one.

After one of my spinal surgeries, I did a stint in rehab. Not rehab for my addiction to jellies(jelly sweets). Physical rehab to get me up off my ass, As it got to big from my aforementioned addiction to jellies. They are totally over the top about health and safety there. Everything I asked to do  and they said "no no no". I was escorted to the bathroom one day, the healthcare assistant looked at my ass and said " Did you have an accident, you have a bruise?" I said "no" so she went to get a nurse to come and look at it. I was thinking to myself I know I have an arse that could eclipse J-LO's but surely I would feel a bruise. So the nurse came in and took a look. She turns to the healthcare assistant and says while pointing to my ass " That's not a bruise, it's a bloody tattoo!". On behalf of my ass and tattoo I was deeply offended!! ( It's not a very obvious tattoo, its not a tramp stamp that says bitch. It's a memorial ...

I am 13 going on 14 won't you tap my knee. I was diagnosed with neurofibrofucksake type 2 when I was 13 years young. I sat in the consultants office looking at a very business like brain surgeon in a suit. He wanted to check my reflexes I had bones like concrete as a kid seriously they needed a jack hammer to get the pins and screws in when I broke my leg. So I sat on the examination bed and he checked my knees. One tap on my knee and he got a swift kick full force in the nuts! He stood well back when he checked the other knee. He got his own back though, he took my hearing a week later! Be warned never kick a brain surgeon in the gonads!! Alternative name to this story could be Great balls of fire!!

Young Girl Get offa My Ward Before leaving for the hospital, I threw my arms around my mam and said I bib you (I love you) Where to start, where to start? This blog won't be chronological order, not with my memory! but I do think the best place to start is the very beginning. This is both mine and my mothers story. My mam was diagnosed with NF2 and had her surgeries when I was 18months old. Her first brain surgery which left her deaf was 20hours long. Her second surgery wasn't much shorter! She was in hospital for a few months. So there she was really going through it physically, lost hearing, plunger into a world of silence and missing her baby. Hospitals were even more strict ab.out children visiting back in 1985. My dad used to smuggle me in under is coat hidden behind a bunch of flowers. As he walked   along, I would be saying fleurs fleurs! Dad tried to keep my mouth shut, think zip it zip it! People must have thought he had a really strange sounding FART. ...