Life Under The Knife

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.... or to get into a bar fight in a disabled bathroom! There are certain types of women you do no get on the wrong side of or indeed ask them to step aside. After 5 months in the slammer, (hospital), I was parched, my mouth was a dry as the Sahara. I couldn't walk anymore, so I basically crawled to a watering hole in Dublin's city centre. From my now waist high perspective, I managed to get the barman's attention and procured a glass of the life giving gold stuff. A friend put on some beer goggles and joined me in the land of pink elephants (those elephants were tap dancing if I remember correctly!). You know the movie, inside I'm dancing? Well inside I was at a bloody rave! As my friend and I got down to the important matters and traded war stories about doctors, she could hear an ear-splitting voice screeching from the other side of the pub. She assured me it was one of those voices you don't f*ck with! A drink or 3 can

Alcohol comes with a warning on the bottle, baking supplies do not (probably should). In a parallel universe, a carer was asked to bake a cake, a delicious recipe for a irish bomb cake was supplied (for those who are curious: chocolate cake batter with Guinness stout in it, irish whiskey ganache in the centre and baileys buttercream icing! You haven't lived until your taste buds explode with this cake). Some carers should come with a warning too (!) We needed a birthday cake, who doesn't need a bit of cake from time to time?! Normally when you blow out the candles, you share out the cake. In this case, when the candles were blown out, we had to get out a hand saw! Even the hand saw got stuck in the cake. The question is was it a cake or a homemade brick?! Irish car bomb cake is supposed to be explosive, this cake wouldn't explode anything but you could definitely use it as a weapon by throwing it at somebody. The recipe was for cupcakes, and somebody forgot to increase

There are times in life when you don't want own up to something- holding up your hand to admit that you are present when the teacher calls the register, truthfully saying you're not sick, you have a raging hangover, admitting you ate the last slice of cake, or that you were the source of the nasty smell in the lift are good examples. At the tender age of 33, I looked in the mirror and said to myself "Petra, you're knocking on a bit, you better learn how to apply makeup". So I invested in some decent brushes and makeup. A few weeks later, I started losing my eyesight. My name is Petra and I am stalked by sods law!!!!! I discovered that I can still have fun with makeup. I might even start a You tube channel with tutorials. It might take off with bat shit crazy drag queens. I am perhaps a little too liberal with glitter. I noticed that my fancy brushes weren't in the makeup box. I had everyone searching high and low under the beds, behind furniture, the gar

There are times and places in life when the thought of being recognised gives you sweaty palms. Being in the more X-rated section of Ann Summers, when shopping for your first box of condoms as a young one, when exiting a charity shop or when seemingly lost in the fruit and veg section of the grocery shop. having a few quick disguise tricks up your sleeve is a handy life saver,you just have to have a handbag like a Mary Poppins bag. Really think about your options something quick and simple can work wonders. Nobody is going to question the hulking male bodybuilder wandering around the sex toy section wearing a business suit and bright pink lipstick. Looking like a wacko is a surprisingly effective tool for self preservation. The best way to hide in the middle of a crowd is to pretend you belong there! The same applies to shops and other "locations". If you are a hospital in-patient and need a disguise... step away from the scalepls! and be very bloody wary of plastic surgery

Some things in life should be taken very seriously indeed. Jellies, sweets, candy is one of them. One's junk food is a serious business. Playing candy crush in hospital is a great way to pass the time. If you play it like I do, you don't even need a phone! The nurses never know what they will find lying around when I'm on the ward. Cola bottles two beds down. Jelly beans on the other side of the room. jelly snakes falling out of your nightie. (That one was a particular surprise to the nurse). I don't know how they got there *** I wish they were in my stomach. The possibilities for snakes and ladders, jelly snake puzzles and hide and seek are endless! Its a great way to beat hospital boredom. At home one evening, I had a bowl of milk teeth jellies. One of the lovely ladies that looks after me says that her brother in law works in a sweets warehouse. I got to work stuffing my face in the ladylike was that I do (!). When she came in half an hour later, I had the bowl i

I was never very good at lines, doing lines in school, drawing straight lines, cutting a straight line, colouring between the lines, walking in a straight line ( walking in a circle was more my thing) driving between the lines on the road do a line of shots(and still be standing by the last one) you get the picture Getting a line (canula) into my veins is along the same lines. My veins are as contrary as the rest of me! When they see a needle, they just collapse or go into hiding. I am notoriously hard to stick a needle into, it usually takes dozens of tries. I leave the doctors looking like a golf course. Unfortunately, I don't get a pint at the nineteenth hole unless it's blood. On the occasion that I was having several tests on the same day that required a line, a whole team of doctors and nurses came around, so that when one failed, another had a go. This was about 10 people. The whole team  inspected all four limbs. I felt like a sushi roll or something! Then as if b