Skip to main content

Walk the Circle( Lines are so last year!)

I was never very good at lines, doing lines in school, drawing straight lines, cutting a straight line, colouring between the lines, walking in a straight line ( walking in a circle was more my thing) driving between the lines on the road do a line of shots(and still be standing by the last one)
you get the picture

Getting a line (canula) into my veins is along the same lines. My veins are as contrary as the rest of me! When they see a needle, they just collapse or go into hiding. I am notoriously hard to stick a needle into, it usually takes dozens of tries. I leave the doctors looking like a golf course. Unfortunately, I don't get a pint at the nineteenth hole unless it's blood.

On the occasion that I was having several tests on the same day that required a line, a whole team of doctors and nurses came around, so that when one failed, another had a go. This was about 10 people.
The whole team  inspected all four limbs. I felt like a sushi roll or something! Then as if by magic, the first doctor gets the first line in on the first go. Like I said, my veins are contrary assholes!  Last year when I was in hospital and needed a CT scan in a major hospital, dozens of different doctors and anaesthetists came round over the course of four days trying to get a line in. All tried and failed. Occasionally they would get a line in, but by the time I got down to the CT rood, the vein had collapsed.

There was one last doctor going to give it a go. Otherwise I would have had to go to theatre to have a line put in my neck. I had it once before, no thank you! As his head was bowed before me as he attempted to get a bloody line in, I thought to myself "Jesus Christ, he has sexy hair" It's that kind of hair with a little gel, a little shine, has a light bounce when you move, very hugh jackman in his x-men days. He managed to get a line in. I said get me down to CT before it collapses for god's sake!
When the scan was finished I shouted "the doctor with the sexy hair got the line in"!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Damn that was some sexy hair)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Life Under the Knife

Hello, is it fun you're looking for? I suppose I'd better explain myself before things get weird. < Last year I was in hospital for over 3 months. My Dad visited me every day with coffee and cakes (thank you Dad)!!!. We were chatting one day when I said "Do you remember people telling Mam that she should write a book?" ( sadly she took the stairway to heaven 3 years ago). I said to my Dad "Can you imagine the book we could have written together?" You see the condition that we both suffer from is called Neurofibromatosis type 2 (NF2). We were both in and out of hospital pretty much all of our lives. I was thinking to myself that I don't have enough for a book, but maybe a blog. The craziest things happen to me and around me. What's one thing I do have? Stories so crazy, they'd make you question reality. I was pretty much completely blind, so I had nothing to do but think. I tried to remember the 20 years worth of stories and I have a me...

It's my fanny and I'll sing if I want to

In order to be true to art ( and comedy is an art without the mess and the clean up job. Unless somebody wets themselves, then we are in trouble). I have to share a certain amount of embarrassing and private information - goo job I find things like that hilarious. Here we go: An alternative title to this story could have been 34 years I've been living next door to Chucky, Chucky, Chucky who the fuck is Chucky?  Much to my disgust, Chucky and I have been neighbours for years, the kind of neighbour you want to get rid of because of anti-social behaviour! I never went there for a bowl of sugar anyway.! There was never any danger of me having kids - ladies and gentlemen the universe decided I needed a pain in the hole and gave me a tumour on my lady parts. I have 2 experiences with a gynaecologist and they are both hilarious. When I reached the age of 25, I was all sensible and started doing the smear thing. The tests kept coming back weird probably because of the NF2. So I had to ...

Can you see what I see?

There are times in life when you don't want own up to something- holding up your hand to admit that you are present when the teacher calls the register, truthfully saying you're not sick, you have a raging hangover, admitting you ate the last slice of cake, or that you were the source of the nasty smell in the lift are good examples. At the tender age of 33, I looked in the mirror and said to myself "Petra, you're knocking on a bit, you better learn how to apply makeup". So I invested in some decent brushes and makeup. A few weeks later, I started losing my eyesight. My name is Petra and I am stalked by sods law!!!!! I discovered that I can still have fun with makeup. I might even start a You tube channel with tutorials. It might take off with bat shit crazy drag queens. I am perhaps a little too liberal with glitter. I noticed that my fancy brushes weren't in the makeup box. I had everyone searching high and low under the beds, behind furniture, the gar...