Life Under The Knife

There's none so blind as those who cannot see(or sing in my case or both if I'm being honest)!! We've all been there - suddenly wake up with a start and wonder where we are, what we are and what century it is particularly after a hairy night out! Unfortunately the memories of my hairy nights out are seared into the memories of family and friends thankfully not in my memory! Although I cannot seem to shake the memory of running around at a wedding like a magical pixie horse, with the bride's garter on my head note to the wise: be wary of a free bar at a wedding in a hot climate.  On this memorable occasion, the only thing that I had too much of was the uncomfortable hospital bed. I woke up at what appeared to be- at first glance- the dark. Everything looked rather quiet I saw a nurse passing the end of my bed I called out to her and asked her to help me lie the head of the bed back. She couldn't work it out, so she ran off to get somebody else. While my poor vict

The highway of communication is fraught with misinterpretation, innuendos and blushes.  The learner driver of a new language can find themselves in uncomfortable but hilarious situations! Learning the alphabet has never been so dangerous ( this has been proven to me time and again) as it is when it is sign language alphabet. Your hands can find themselves in very sticky situations!!!!! You have to be very specific when you are talking about parts of the human anatomy. A friend was helping me through the process of signing into hospital through the doctor. He asked the usual admission questions Are you a smoker? I admitted to smoking a joint when I was 18. One particular question . had me stumped. A friend kept asking me the same question I repeated louder and louder "bowls" Every patient on the ward was looking for the sick bowls. Eventually my friend asked the doctor how to spell the word. She forgot that my poo had an e in it. Not long after this incident, a younger c

Those who may look weak, meek can surprise you. I really enjoyed my trip to New Zealand when I was 25 and wanted to do another big travel before I was 30. So when cousin Donna offered me the chance to join her and her fella (Now her put upon hubby)on their trip across Central America, I bit her hand off. The problem was it was several months after my first spinal surgery. I don't think a walking frame is a good look for a backpacker! Thankfully the trip was about 9 months away. So I managed to shake off my wheels and get back to using my outrageously sparkling walking stick. I took my less flamboyant stick with me for travelling for the look of the thing. I did all of the usual travelling preparation things such a reading books etc. I was well aware of the potential for crime and what to do if something happened and what to do to prevent yourself looking like a potential target ( e.g. a cheap non descript walking stick!) There is a very beautiful island in Belise where you could

Alternative title to this story is I touch my staff but if I use that I would probably loose my everyone that helps me, They are all like family. Its a bloody good pun though, When you are blind or very short sighted, you have to be careful with your hands. Every parent knows what its like when they go to the bathroom, they have an audience my kids just happen to have paws. Before I lost the majority of my sight, there where many times I was sat on the toilet where I leant down to give somebody a scratch, Five minutes later I realised that I was scratching the toilet bowl. When I lost the majority of my sight, there were many occasions that I would have tried to grab something such as my cup and actually grabbed somebody's boob or ass, my poor aunt Bernie is still traumatised . During the time I had my eye surgically closed, I couldn't see a thing. Every time I was trying to get out of my bed, I kicked my dad straight in his balls. He would end up on the floor and  he was s

There are times I left hospital with more hair on my legs than my head, who ever was in charge of the razor in the hospital ( its definitely a man). Unfortunately I had inadvertently  admitted that I had legs like a yeti, it keeps me warm anyway. I had been guilty of going on a rampage with the razor in my early 20s. I decided to do a evening course in dog grooming. I had two models, Daisy had feck all hair but I do have a shaggy dog (Juno the jack Russell). As my confidence grew, I put together some tools. I got my hands on a razor and took Juno out my back garden and got to it. I tried real hard to cut his hair accurately and neaten up the edges. I basically had a naked dog in front of me. I stood the wrath of my mother for that one, ever since that Juno has to be sedated to be groomed, she will attack a scissors or a razor if it comes near her, the following is probably my penance for shaving our dog. Karma is a bitch and it  bites The first time I did a Britney spears I was 26 t

In Ireland it's perfectly possible to find yourself in prison without actually having committed a crime Failing to pay your tv licence is not the only way! ...I have also noticed over the years its' perfectly possible to commit a crime and walk away a happy man. I have already mentioned the marathon 3 month stay last year and the unseasonable but not out of character for Ireland snow. During this particular pleasant stay, the patient call bells kept wailing and because of the snow there weren't any food delivery trucks. Patients were having a lack of visitors. I can only speculate there were people wandering around on their third day in a pair of underwear! Patients were happy in their knowledge that staff and doctors were forced to endure the very same beds they were not getting any sleep in. I had gone several days without a coffee and I might have throttled someone if I saw one more egg sandwich on my plate. One of the very few benefits of being deaf is that I was

Sorry for the delay with the latest piece of laughter. Between my brain and Denise's fingertips this story took a ride around the solar system. ( translation: we were all unwell in this house and Dad had a savage case of man flu!) Any person who is a frequent flyer with their country's health service will tell you that they met a few nurses that stand out. During my extended stay last year there was a nurse who always seemed to be there when I needed her or when something crazy happened.  After my surgery I kept waking up having panic attacks. I was seeing strange flashes of colour in my head. I always wanted to see the northern lights but not quite like that! Every time I woke up like that, there was somebody there rubbing my back, stroking my hair and holding my hand. I never who it was but I really appreciated it. I do still like to do things for myself but it doesn't always end well! One evening I wanted to brush my teeth a nurse walked in to find toothpaste all over

In order to be true to art ( and comedy is an art without the mess and the clean up job. Unless somebody wets themselves, then we are in trouble). I have to share a certain amount of embarrassing and private information - goo job I find things like that hilarious. Here we go: An alternative title to this story could have been 34 years I've been living next door to Chucky, Chucky, Chucky who the fuck is Chucky?  Much to my disgust, Chucky and I have been neighbours for years, the kind of neighbour you want to get rid of because of anti-social behaviour! I never went there for a bowl of sugar anyway.! There was never any danger of me having kids - ladies and gentlemen the universe decided I needed a pain in the hole and gave me a tumour on my lady parts. I have 2 experiences with a gynaecologist and they are both hilarious. When I reached the age of 25, I was all sensible and started doing the smear thing. The tests kept coming back weird probably because of the NF2. So I had to

I've always been a lover of the supernatural the X - Files was my first love ( and true love lasts forever). Strange fact: I have several extremely thick volumes of medical charts at the main hospital where I frequently fly economy class and my chart starts with an X and with all of the weird and wonderful things you will find in my chart - I'm a real life X -File! I love zombie stuff but I have no desire to be one. However if you wake me up at 4am, all bets are off! I did partake in the Dublin zombie walk several years back I wore a t-shirt that said this is my zombie killing t-shirt. On the back I stuck a note to it that said the t-shirt didn't work. Unfortunately  I think  that might have been a self fulfilling prophecy, especially when I'm on the hunt for a bag of jellies. "Sweets" "Sweets" "Sweets". I have had a lot of problems with my eyes and late last year, they started giving me  eye drops made from blood serum.  I get donor bl

You are the Bored you will be asphyxiated, our ever selective humour will tickle your funny bone. Resistance is useless. Disclaimer: I was a massive star trek fan I could pass as borg these days with all the metal in my body. When I lost my hearing, my biggest wish apart from getting back my ears, was to have a hand held device like a star trek tricorder that translated what people said into text. This was in 1998. Voice recognition was brutal with bells on! You had to train each individual voice for many hours and the accuracy was still like cutting and pasting random words from a book. It was feck all use. When my teachers tried to use it, it resembled a shopping list albeit a very bad one. Fast forward to 2018 - the year I was reintroduced to voice recognition - and we have these wonderful little gadgets . Due to damaged vocal cords, I have a very bad voice I imagine its a cross between Darth Vader and snotzer from the den! So I struggle greatly with it but I do have some succes

If you have ever spent an extended time in hospital, you will know that it is like prison. They make the beds as uncomfortable as possible to make sure you don't stay. There is no privacy and no entertainment and the food is not up to nutritional standards and you definitely have to watch out for the warden! The year I sampled the menu in 4 different Dublin hospitals left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm still traumatised by some of the things I saw on my plate. Chicken curry with cabbage on the side! I was woken many times by the sensation of having something poked in my ear thank god it was a thermometer! I spent two months in one hospital, made a brief detour to another for a brief stay. a further 3 months in another and the day before I was due to be discharged, I ended up in another hospital. This my friends is prison and the food is gruel and punishment. Some of my uncles and cousins orchestrated a prison break for Christmas day for a few hours mission impossible music wa

They say that flying is a risky business, sky diving is less risky than flying next to a horny bloke. When I was 23, I was a shy, slim, blonde Irish lass. I was caught in the middle seat beside what looked like a smart business man in his 30's.  With people who don't know sign language, communications is through smoke signals and interpative dance or just a bog standard notebook and pen. He kept trying to talk to me I kept telling him I couldn't hear and to write things down and so the usual boring chit chat went on for the entire flight As we neared Heathrow, he started asking for my number. I kept trying to throw him off by telling that I would only be in London for a few days with family, no time for anything else. He was really persistent. In the end I looked at him and said there is no point in giving you my number because I am deaf ( this was before smartphones and I wasn't a big texter) God's honest truth, he wrote this on the notebook. OMG YOU'RE DE

I had your average childhood but I didn't have your average granny! She was famous for three things: the cardigans she knit, her big heart and the fact she was the biggest messer going! I lived around the corner from her so I spent a lot of time in her house. That said, even the cousins that lived far away spent all their time there too. We had two types of sleepovers in her house, sleeping in the front room in a normal fashion where you woke up with somebody's foot in your face  - you were luck it was a foot! or sleeping in the back garden in a tent where nanny would come out and chuck a glass of water into the tent her version of a wake up call! There were so many water fights in her house, usually started by her. She was throwing party balloons filled with water before water balloons were a thing. She'd whip out the garden hose at a moments notice or feck a glass of water out the kitchen door as we sunbathed in the back garden. We all wanted to go to her house to play

The first time I had to do a Britney and shave my hair off I was 26. Hospitals are on my shit list  not it comes to head shaving for surgery. They took so much hair that a Donald style comb over was not an option. So I had to shave the lot off. With all of the scars I had I looked like ld beat somebody up. So I kept this monstrous sight covered with a scarf. I'm not sure if I did a Britney or a sinead O'Connor fyi I don't have the voice for either. I do have tattoos though. I was going to a friends bbq I had this new pair of high heeled boots. The problem is I could never wear heels! I walk like a baby deer on an out of control aeroplane. So I go to the bbq and drink a bit too much wine, come home and struggle to take off my SEXY boots. You know when you're trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans that are 2 sizes to small? It was like that in reverse! I also had on a brand new pair of glasses. One particularly energetic tug landed me on the floor breaking my new glasses

This is an episode of Mrs Brown's boys. Or it should be! There I was minding my own business brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush. The base of the toothbrush got bored and decided to go for a walk. It took the scenic route to a crack in the middle of nowhere. As it fell down beside me, I tried to grab it but it went under me. Th more I tried to grab it, the more lost it seemed to get. I was rolling around the bed like I was having a demonically possessed epileptic fit, performing gymnastic moves that defy gravity. The more I tried to help myself, the more I did the exact opposite. I was in the throes of disbelief thinking to myself How does this shit happen to me. I can't believe it and I am me! In desperation I pressed the bell for the nurses assistance from experience I know you can wait ages to have the bell answered. So mean while, I continued with my efforts to find the toothbrush. I was bent like a pretzel in the bed. I haven't moved like that in years or

This is a bit of a shakespearean story. I had a raven called quotes after my eyeballs. When I was about 4 they were trying to see why I couldn't see very well. So I had a exploratory surgery to pop the eyeballs out to have a look. I always tried to make the best of my hospital stays even at that age. When things are shit, keep it funny. I used to joyride on the laundry cart as the nurses went around changing the beds and try and score some jelly when the food was being put away if there were any unopened pots. That was also the year I was introduced to horror and stuff I shouldn't be watching on television. The nurses set me up on a comfy chair in front of the telly one night not realising that I had switched the channel over to Day of the Tryffids! I gave plants and flowers dirty looks and sideways glances for ages after this!! It did start a trend where I would sneak out of bed and watch things that I shouldn't be watching! Prisoner Cell Block H to name but one.

After one of my spinal surgeries, I did a stint in rehab. Not rehab for my addiction to jellies(jelly sweets). Physical rehab to get me up off my ass, As it got to big from my aforementioned addiction to jellies. They are totally over the top about health and safety there. Everything I asked to do  and they said "no no no". I was escorted to the bathroom one day, the healthcare assistant looked at my ass and said " Did you have an accident, you have a bruise?" I said "no" so she went to get a nurse to come and look at it. I was thinking to myself I know I have an arse that could eclipse J-LO's but surely I would feel a bruise. So the nurse came in and took a look. She turns to the healthcare assistant and says while pointing to my ass " That's not a bruise, it's a bloody tattoo!". On behalf of my ass and tattoo I was deeply offended!! ( It's not a very obvious tattoo, its not a tramp stamp that says bitch. It's a memorial

I am 13 going on 14 won't you tap my knee. I was diagnosed with neurofibrofucksake type 2 when I was 13 years young. I sat in the consultants office looking at a very business like brain surgeon in a suit. He wanted to check my reflexes I had bones like concrete as a kid seriously they needed a jack hammer to get the pins and screws in when I broke my leg. So I sat on the examination bed and he checked my knees. One tap on my knee and he got a swift kick full force in the nuts! He stood well back when he checked the other knee. He got his own back though, he took my hearing a week later! Be warned never kick a brain surgeon in the gonads!! Alternative name to this story could be Great balls of fire!!

Young Girl Get offa My Ward Before leaving for the hospital, I threw my arms around my mam and said I bib you (I love you) Where to start, where to start? This blog won't be chronological order, not with my memory! but I do think the best place to start is the very beginning. This is both mine and my mothers story. My mam was diagnosed with NF2 and had her surgeries when I was 18months old. Her first brain surgery which left her deaf was 20hours long. Her second surgery wasn't much shorter! She was in hospital for a few months. So there she was really going through it physically, lost hearing, plunger into a world of silence and missing her baby. Hospitals were even more strict ab.out children visiting back in 1985. My dad used to smuggle me in under is coat hidden behind a bunch of flowers. As he walked   along, I would be saying fleurs fleurs! Dad tried to keep my mouth shut, think zip it zip it! People must have thought he had a really strange sounding FART.