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I'm still standing (somehow)

Those who may look weak, meek can surprise you. I really enjoyed my trip to New Zealand when I was 25 and wanted to do another big travel before I was 30. So when cousin Donna offered me the chance to join her and her fella (Now her put upon hubby)on their trip across Central America, I bit her hand off. The problem was it was several months after my first spinal surgery. I don't think a walking frame is a good look for a backpacker! Thankfully the trip was about 9 months away. So I managed to shake off my wheels and get back to using my outrageously sparkling walking stick. I took my less flamboyant stick with me for travelling for the look of the thing.

I did all of the usual travelling preparation things such a reading books etc. I was well aware of the potential for crime and what to do if something happened and what to do to prevent yourself looking like a potential target ( e.g. a cheap non descript walking stick!) There is a very beautiful island in Belise where you could walk the length of the island in 10 mins, very friendly and laid back. I think everyone on the island was stoned! One fine day I was strolling back to my hut, walking stick swinging happily, when suddenly I felt something being pressed to the side of my head (like a gun). Following the guidebooks advice, I started to slowly take off my bag, when I suddenly had a vague recollection of seeing Sean in the distance. I turned around and there he was. I started to run after him like a demented granny, walking stick in the air. I got a good few whacks on his arse with the stick (he didn't realise I could run badly!) We were all wounded that day. I was a bit shaken, Sean's arse was black and blue and Donna was mentally scarred by the sight of Sean's arse. We had a bottle of vodka that night.

There was a lot political unrest in El Salvador. Buses were constantly stopped to check peoples passports, soldiers everywhere. We were just passing through one night waiting for the transport the next day. We left the B&B to find somewhere for lunch. Sean walked over to a soldier and had a word. I asked what that was about? He told me there was a bomb in the area and we were advised to go back to our B&B and that he told the soldier we were fine.  10 minutes into our leisurely stroll up a cobbly hill, when Donna and Sean suddenly stopped dead and suddenly started running uphill as if something had happened. So I started running too not an easy task, especially in flip flops and a walking stick. When we got to the top of the street, they told me they were only joking. I told them to sleep with one eye open. At least we found somewhere for lunch. That was a bloody good authentic Mexican burrito!

Understandably I was a little on edge. That night there were motorbikes constantly backfiring. It seemed to be done on purpose. The problem was it sounded like gunshots! I am deaf but I can feel the pressure changes in the ear so it felt like gunshots too.

After that, I didn't fall for their prank attempts. On the way home when we were catching our connection flight, they tried to convince me my luggage was missing. I was having non of it and told them to jog on. In a way I had a pre-emptive strike in my revenge : in the shape of my luggage in my favourite series of books, discworld there is a character called THE LUGGAGE - a homicidal luggage travel accessory. That was my wheely backpack. Whoever designed the thing, did not have a woman with mobility issues crossing Central America in mind! Of course I couldn't carry it on my back and I couldn't seem to pull along my temperamental bag as I had trouble staying vertical especially after a few cubre Libres! So Donna and Sean took it in turns to bagmind .

If you have ever tried to use a lead on a cat, you will know that at best all you can do is take it for a drag. That is what pulling along my luggage was like. It flipped onto its side at a moments notice. There are not many flat walking areas or paving in Central America lots of stones to save my bag rocking around the place like an epileptic fit. Just like it's discworld namesake. the inside of that bag was like another universe some very strange things came out of that bag. I have no idea where some it came from. Maybe it was a Mary Poppins situation! Bless their very naughty cotton socks for looking after my bag

Last year when Donna told me she was pregnant, I begged her to do what Rachel from friends did to Ross when giving birth. I doubt that Donna did headbutt Sean and tell him when he came to "That was from Petra from Belise. By the way you have a son" But I like to pretend that 7 years later, I got my sweet revenge! I figure giving birth was revenge enough for Donna! Last year I told Sean I hope his first nappy was a nice shitty one. I think Ezra probably obliged!

Alternatice title: Not so smooth criminal


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