Skip to main content

I like to Booby

Alternative title to this story is I touch my staff but if I use that I would probably loose my everyone that helps me, They are all like family. Its a bloody good pun though,

When you are blind or very short sighted, you have to be careful with your hands. Every parent knows what its like when they go to the bathroom, they have an audience my kids just happen to have paws. Before I lost the majority of my sight, there where many times I was sat on the toilet where I leant down to give somebody a scratch, Five minutes later I realised that I was scratching the toilet bowl. When I lost the majority of my sight, there were many occasions that I would have tried to grab something such as my cup and actually grabbed somebody's boob or ass, my poor aunt Bernie is still traumatised .

During the time I had my eye surgically closed, I couldn't see a thing. Every time I was trying to get out of my bed, I kicked my dad straight in his balls. He would end up on the floor and  he was supposed to be helping me get out of the bed, creating a situation where we had to help each other!

As it was Christmas time and I love a good joke, I gave him a huge cardboard box inside there was a gift box. Inside that, there was gift bag with a gift box like Russian dolls and inside the last gift box there was a jockstrap ( sportsman's protection for the nuts) and one cigarette to numb the pain when he opened it. His face was priceless (so I'm told)  so then I said ah dad im only joking here is the rest of your cigs , I'm still messing. I gave him his real present (model car).

The moral of the story is be careful what you scratch

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Life Under the Knife

Hello, is it fun you're looking for? I suppose I'd better explain myself before things get weird. < Last year I was in hospital for over 3 months. My Dad visited me every day with coffee and cakes (thank you Dad)!!!. We were chatting one day when I said "Do you remember people telling Mam that she should write a book?" ( sadly she took the stairway to heaven 3 years ago). I said to my Dad "Can you imagine the book we could have written together?" You see the condition that we both suffer from is called Neurofibromatosis type 2 (NF2). We were both in and out of hospital pretty much all of our lives. I was thinking to myself that I don't have enough for a book, but maybe a blog. The craziest things happen to me and around me. What's one thing I do have? Stories so crazy, they'd make you question reality. I was pretty much completely blind, so I had nothing to do but think. I tried to remember the 20 years worth of stories and I have a me

Walk the Circle( Lines are so last year!)

I was never very good at lines, doing lines in school, drawing straight lines, cutting a straight line, colouring between the lines, walking in a straight line ( walking in a circle was more my thing) driving between the lines on the road do a line of shots(and still be standing by the last one) you get the picture Getting a line (canula) into my veins is along the same lines. My veins are as contrary as the rest of me! When they see a needle, they just collapse or go into hiding. I am notoriously hard to stick a needle into, it usually takes dozens of tries. I leave the doctors looking like a golf course. Unfortunately, I don't get a pint at the nineteenth hole unless it's blood. On the occasion that I was having several tests on the same day that required a line, a whole team of doctors and nurses came around, so that when one failed, another had a go. This was about 10 people. The whole team  inspected all four limbs. I felt like a sushi roll or something! Then as if b

War of the Restrooms

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.... or to get into a bar fight in a disabled bathroom! There are certain types of women you do no get on the wrong side of or indeed ask them to step aside. After 5 months in the slammer, (hospital), I was parched, my mouth was a dry as the Sahara. I couldn't walk anymore, so I basically crawled to a watering hole in Dublin's city centre. From my now waist high perspective, I managed to get the barman's attention and procured a glass of the life giving gold stuff. A friend put on some beer goggles and joined me in the land of pink elephants (those elephants were tap dancing if I remember correctly!). You know the movie, inside I'm dancing? Well inside I was at a bloody rave! As my friend and I got down to the important matters and traded war stories about doctors, she could hear an ear-splitting voice screeching from the other side of the pub. She assured me it was one of those voices you don't f*ck with! A drink or 3 can