Life Under The Knife

This is an episode of Mrs Brown's boys. Or it should be! There I was minding my own business brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush. The base of the toothbrush got bored and decided to go for a walk. It took the scenic route to a crack in the middle of nowhere. As it fell down beside me, I tried to grab it but it went under me. Th more I tried to grab it, the more lost it seemed to get. I was rolling around the bed like I was having a demonically possessed epileptic fit, performing gymnastic moves that defy gravity. The more I tried to help myself, the more I did the exact opposite. I was in the throes of disbelief thinking to myself How does this shit happen to me. I can't believe it and I am me! In desperation I pressed the bell for the nurses assistance from experience I know you can wait ages to have the bell answered. So mean while, I continued with my efforts to find the toothbrush. I was bent like a pretzel in the bed. I haven't moved like that in years or

This is a bit of a shakespearean story. I had a raven called quotes after my eyeballs. When I was about 4 they were trying to see why I couldn't see very well. So I had a exploratory surgery to pop the eyeballs out to have a look. I always tried to make the best of my hospital stays even at that age. When things are shit, keep it funny. I used to joyride on the laundry cart as the nurses went around changing the beds and try and score some jelly when the food was being put away if there were any unopened pots. That was also the year I was introduced to horror and stuff I shouldn't be watching on television. The nurses set me up on a comfy chair in front of the telly one night not realising that I had switched the channel over to Day of the Tryffids! I gave plants and flowers dirty looks and sideways glances for ages after this!! It did start a trend where I would sneak out of bed and watch things that I shouldn't be watching! Prisoner Cell Block H to name but one.

After one of my spinal surgeries, I did a stint in rehab. Not rehab for my addiction to jellies(jelly sweets). Physical rehab to get me up off my ass, As it got to big from my aforementioned addiction to jellies. They are totally over the top about health and safety there. Everything I asked to do  and they said "no no no". I was escorted to the bathroom one day, the healthcare assistant looked at my ass and said " Did you have an accident, you have a bruise?" I said "no" so she went to get a nurse to come and look at it. I was thinking to myself I know I have an arse that could eclipse J-LO's but surely I would feel a bruise. So the nurse came in and took a look. She turns to the healthcare assistant and says while pointing to my ass " That's not a bruise, it's a bloody tattoo!". On behalf of my ass and tattoo I was deeply offended!! ( It's not a very obvious tattoo, its not a tramp stamp that says bitch. It's a memorial